The Truth About My Brother

In light of a renewed attempt by those in my family to further disparage my reputation, and lest I be considered a coward, I feel it appropriate to share some things about my brother, which one I will not specify. You may look at him and see an attractive, articulate, young professional who has been places and is going even more places, but here’s the side of the story you don’t hear.*

For most of his time in Brazil he had to wash his clothes in the toilet because that was the only water source in his apartments.

He never removes the lint from the lint trap in any dryer he uses. NEVER.

He has a poster of Ryan Seacrest in his room. He also has a photoshopped, framed picture of himself hugging Ryan. Draw your own conclusions.

He has paid full price for every piece of clothing he owns.

He went through a Chuck Norris stage when he grew a beard and tried to roundhouse kick everybody he met in the face. Even little kids!

No matter how simple they make Geiko, he still can’t use it.

His favorite sport is Soccer, which is un-American. He was even more interested in it when he got back from his trip to Europe, which would make any reasonable person suspect that he made terrorist ties there.

He doesn’t like seafood. I think that’s because he’s racist against Asians.

He has dated many lawyers. I suspect that this is because he is engaged in illegal activities (maybe the terrorist activities implied above?) and will need the representation. Think about it: who else keeps in touch with their ex-girlfriends? Nobody.

When I was around 10 he convinced me that our dog wasn’t a dog but actually a midget in a dog costume that my parents paid to be my friend because I was such a loser. I cried for years.

He knows a wrong way to eat a Reese’s, but not the same way Chuck Norris knows, because my brother discovered this way while trying to eat it one of the right ways.

He drives a motorcycle. I challenge anyone reading this to name one member of society who was productive while driving a motorcycle. Does that make him a lowlife?

He also drives an Acura. Are you a hard-A pretending to be a metrosexual yuppie or a metrosexual yuppie posing as a hard-A? Make up your mind, nameless brother of mine!

He once dated a horse. Not a girl who looked like a horse, an actual horse. I won’t embarrass him any further by saying who dumped whom.

He shampoos his hair and then puts stuff in his hair that makes it look like he didn’t. It doesn’t take an expert in supply-chain management to figure out how inefficient that is.

He doesn’t know when to use a half-windsor and full-windsor tie knot.

He eats a whole lot of candy. He started eating candy when somebody told him it was made by handicapped children in sweatshops.

Last I counted, he owns around ten watches. I think he may have obsessive compulsive disorder—why else would he want so many ways to know exactly what time it is?

He shaves his arms. He would have you believe that he does it for looks, but it’s really because he has no emotions and doesn’t want anybody to notice that he never gets goosebumps, even when he sees puppies die.

*At least one of the reasons you never hear this side of the story is because it is at least partially made up by me. But some of these things could conceivably be true, and in fact one or more of them is.