Why Accountants are Sexy

For the last three years of my life I have been confronted by a negative stereotype that accountants are bland and docile.

This misconception is most damaging with the ladies. The general consensus is that we are nerds, penned up in the basement, content to crunch numbers all day long without seeing the light of day. Some women, I understand, would not consider dating one because we are not “bad” enough. These ignoramuses would be interested to know that it is virtually impossible to commit a white-collar crime without the aid of an accountant, and most perpetrators are accountants of some sort. In fact, financial statement fraud, by definition, requires the aid of a Certified Public Accountant. White collar crime is the only conceivable way to smoothly steal millions of dollars.

Which man would I think most thrill-junky women prefer: the motorcycle-riding white trash that knocks off liquor stores for $200 a pop or the rogue accountant who robs several million dollars from shareholders? I guess it depends: would they rather buy four kegs and throw a party after the heist or sail around the world on a brand new yacht?

And who catches these crooks? Forensic accountants! They have to carry guns because it can be dangerous. Oh so dangerous.

Have you ever heard the phrase “I’d better run this by my accountant?” Everybody in the business world has said it at some point. They are afraid to do anything without the accountant’s nod. That’s because we’ve got power.

So ladies, whether you’re into criminals or cops, money or power I recommend you wear that swoop-neck blouse, miniskirt and dark lipstick the next time your company is being audited. Be careful, though, because it’s actually illegal to have a romantic relationship with an auditor. That makes us even sexier, doesn't it? You see, by being simultaneously bad and rich, accountants present the intelligent woman with a rare opportunity to satisfy her primal but otherwise mutually exclusive desires for both danger and money.