Saving Yourself for Marriage

To my beloved brother, who will soon enter into the bonds of holy matrimony:

Drs. Joe S. Milhaney and Freda McKissic Bush, both board certified OBGYN’s as well as researchers, wrote a book called Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children. This latest in a slew of recent research confirms what we “simple-minded” religious folks have said all along: premarital sex is very, very damaging.

Many of us heard the “scotch tape” analogy in high school health class, which compares sex to a piece of tape, losing its adhesion with each new attachment until it becomes nothing more than a greasy, two-sided piece of plastic. It may have struck you as overly simplistic, but here’s a summary of their research: when a person loses their virginity, the brain releases oxytosin, the love and bonding hormone, which gives a euphoric feel to the sexual experience. It is released along with dopamine, but only the combination of the two hormones maximizes the encounter. When that person breaks the valuable bond by having sex with another partner, the brain’s hardwiring changes and loses its ability to bond as strongly. Essentially, the individual’s brain goes from assuming “I will have a meaningful, monogamous relationship” to “I will never bond with anybody at that level.” The more casual sex one has, the less ability that person has to bond to his or her partner. The result is less satisfying intercourse because it lacks oxytosin. Sex will still cause the brain to release dopamine, the same hormone that makes skydiving and gambling enjoyable. Translation: the individual begins to view sex as little more than a recreational thrill.

Their research also measured the psychological effects of this rewiring of the brain. Women are three times more likely than men to become depressed if they are sexually active but uncommitted, but both women and men are much more likely to be depressed than their abstinent or committed counterparts.

In other words, just as I have frequently said (and occasionally been mocked for saying), those of us who save sex for marriage will have more satisfying sex lives than our promiscuous counterparts. We have not made our minds incapable of truly falling in love. I commend you, my brother, for your patience and wisdom in this matter, and I thank you for being a good example to the rest of us.