# 211 4 Door Hondas

Only in a rare instance will a Keithly buy a car that is not made by Honda and has a number of doors other than 4. Trucks and minivans are a different story, but there is a widely held belief among Keithlys that only bad things will happen to any other kind of car. While there is no consensus, some scholars and historians believe that this tradition started some time in the 80s when the current Chief Keithly, driving a 4 door Honda Civic stationwagon, was T-boned at an intersection. Despite the old Civic’s aluminum-can-like composition, the Chief miraculously ended up sitting in the passenger seat, unharmed.

According to the working theory, the Chief made two pacts with Honda that day: 1) to only buy 4 door Honda cars for the rest of his life and 2) never to wear a seatbelt again. To this day, he has violated neither of these pacts, with two notable exceptions: 1) a Mini-Cooper purchase to assuage a spouse’s frustration with the lack of walls in the house and 2) a $300 Chevy Lumina that some suspect he bought to provide the family with opportunities to mock the son that drove it and possibly to delay his marriage so that he could focus on earning a Master’s Degree.

Hondas have lived up to their esteem in Keithly history. The Chief later bought a 1988 Accord and drove it 300,000 miles only to have it stolen in 2002. That’s right, stolen. Another Keithly drove a similar Accord during high school that didn’t quite last as long, but most agree that if he had replaced the starter rather than push-starting it, it may have lasted much longer. When a Keithly has attained a higher status in the clan, he or she must purchase (or at least lease) an Acura, which is really just a fancy Honda. So great is the revere for Hondas among Keithlys that even the most frugal member of the clan once purchased a brand new 2009 Honda Civic Lx for over $20,000 even while using such money-saving tactics as living in a garage and eating eggs and refried beans for dinner most nights. There is also evidence that the eldest Keithly son’s decision to marry his spouse was influenced heavily by the fact that she drove an Accord, although it only had 2 doors.

Saving Yourself for Marriage

To my beloved brother, who will soon enter into the bonds of holy matrimony:

Drs. Joe S. Milhaney and Freda McKissic Bush, both board certified OBGYN’s as well as researchers, wrote a book called Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children. This latest in a slew of recent research confirms what we “simple-minded” religious folks have said all along: premarital sex is very, very damaging.

Many of us heard the “scotch tape” analogy in high school health class, which compares sex to a piece of tape, losing its adhesion with each new attachment until it becomes nothing more than a greasy, two-sided piece of plastic. It may have struck you as overly simplistic, but here’s a summary of their research: when a person loses their virginity, the brain releases oxytosin, the love and bonding hormone, which gives a euphoric feel to the sexual experience. It is released along with dopamine, but only the combination of the two hormones maximizes the encounter. When that person breaks the valuable bond by having sex with another partner, the brain’s hardwiring changes and loses its ability to bond as strongly. Essentially, the individual’s brain goes from assuming “I will have a meaningful, monogamous relationship” to “I will never bond with anybody at that level.” The more casual sex one has, the less ability that person has to bond to his or her partner. The result is less satisfying intercourse because it lacks oxytosin. Sex will still cause the brain to release dopamine, the same hormone that makes skydiving and gambling enjoyable. Translation: the individual begins to view sex as little more than a recreational thrill.

Their research also measured the psychological effects of this rewiring of the brain. Women are three times more likely than men to become depressed if they are sexually active but uncommitted, but both women and men are much more likely to be depressed than their abstinent or committed counterparts.

In other words, just as I have frequently said (and occasionally been mocked for saying), those of us who save sex for marriage will have more satisfying sex lives than our promiscuous counterparts. We have not made our minds incapable of truly falling in love. I commend you, my brother, for your patience and wisdom in this matter, and I thank you for being a good example to the rest of us.

The Complicated Stupidity of George W. Bush

George W. Bush is easily the stupidest president in US history. When he talks the idiocy just drips from his mouth (along with all that drool). I mean it’s completely obvious.

Not only is he a complete and utter moron, he has masterminded the biggest conspiracy in world history. You see, in order to establish Republican hegemony in the country and US military control of the world’s resources, he figured out a way to fly airplanes into the world trade center, blow up the buildings simultaneously, and get a well-known enemy of the US to risk his life by admitting he organized it. It’s just obvious. Never mind that no mainstream media outlet or university professor has taken this theory seriously—they’re in on the conspiracy! Everybody knows the people running the New York Times and universities are right wing zealots.

This allowed him to send troops into Iraq, which we all know was really for oil. Even though the country had not been producing oil for almost 20 years, and even though the Iraqi law that his administration helped draft stipulates that no foreign country may profit from oil production, and even though the US will be paying the same price as the rest of the world for their oil when it begins to enter the world market, it’s obvious that he is helping his friends in the oil industry to get rich.

When gas prices started going up, he was ripping off Americans to help big oil. And when he encouraged congress to allow offshore drilling so that the price of gasoline would go down, he was sacrificing the environment to enrich oil tycoons. So you see, whether the price is up or down, he is acting in the express interest of corporate America.

And he hates African Americans, as evidenced by the incompetent handling of hurricane Katrina—under-preparing for that hurricane was diabolically calculated. Of course, in the summer of 2008 when his administration failed to provide relief to the Midwest flood victims, most of which were white, that was yet another example of his stupidity.

In conclusion, George W. Bush is very, very stupid and at the same time has planned some of the most elaborate and evil schemes in world history. He is like a cross between Mr. Magoo and Lex Luther.

(Inspired by the complicated intelligence of Bush-haters)

Proud to be Un-American?

Today was the birthday of the most divine country on Earth. While most of us celebrated with friends and family, thanking God for the privilege to live in such a land, a group of others who were born elsewhere but found the good fortune of becoming American citizens listened to a speech at the former home of Thomas Jefferson from our Commander-in-Chief welcoming them to citizenship. In spite of this important occasion, a protester interrupted his speech by shouting “War Criminal!” Just as she was escorted out, another man began yelling “he has brought fascism to this shore!” over and over. He was also escorted out.

This event demonstrates everything that is wrong with the anti-Bush movement. First of all, contrary to what some are claiming, nobody’s right to free speech was violated when the protesters were removed. I have the right to say whatever I want, but doesn’t that right end when I am limiting other people’s right to speak? If I were to interrupt a wedding ceremony by loudly protesting the preacher’s position on abortion, would anybody defend my doing so?

Also, their “arguments” consisted of nothing more than name-calling. Those who despise Bush often submit arguments with no substance, hoping that the sheer emotion will catch on and convince others. Americans as a whole are rarely fooled. I could no more easily change my mind about the president based on that display than I change my mind about Rosie O’Donnell after Donald Trump called her fat and talentless (after all, he wasn’t exactly discovering the wheel there). There are many forums for expressing one’s opinions in our democracy: writing congressmen, calling a radio show, advertising, town hall meetings, etc, and those who hold their views are by no means excluded from these venues.

More importantly, they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. These people were from countries like Mexico, Iran, Cuba, Venezuela, Iraq and China. Convincing them that Bush is a fascist would be like convincing somebody who was stranded in the desert that the water they are finally drinking doesn’t taste good. The president was at a non-partisan event that had nothing to do with his agenda, and on our nation’s holiday. These folks have a way of making even those who sympathize with them shudder.

Why I am a Mormon

Throughout my life as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have welcomed challenges to my world view. After all, if I am wrong, I would like to be the first one to know. While I respect and love those of my friends and family who differ with me, I feel the need to rebut the claims that have been made—not necessarily in hopes that any reader will change his or her position, but to show that Mormons are not, as has been implied by the more polite and alleged by the more bold of my counterparts, unquestioning followers but have made decisions based on sound rationale. Here are summaries of the most common arguments in italics, followed by my responses to them:

The church is only about one fifth of one percent of the world’s population; why can’t God convince at least a majority of the world to join His true church? If I believed that membership in the church during this life were prerequisite to attaining the highest celestial glory, I would have this doubt as well. We were sent to this world to be tested and to learn, and membership in the church during this life is not necessary to pass that test. There is no religious belief that even approaches a majority of world opinion. The closest is Islam, which accounts for about 20%, and even that is after conglomerating all of its factions, many of which have condemned each other to hell. Absolute truth, by definition, is not discerned democratically.

You stay in the church because you have served a mission and would feel stupid if you admitted it were wrong. This claim is devoid of any merit whatsoever. In a court of law it is classified as “circumstantial evidence,” and falls very short of sufficient to prove anything. I would engage the same logic if I were to say “you have left the church because of the decisions you have made, and you would feel stupid if you admitted they were mistakes.” This argument implies that I care more about protecting my pride than in finding the truth, and I find such an accusation presumptuous. While I acknowledge that some members of the church may fit that description, you oversimplify by saying it applies to all, or even most, members. Bearers of this accusation have yet to account for converts, who constitute about 50% of church membership at this point, and historically were a much higher percentage. Since most of them convert from another religion, why didn’t their feeling “stupid” stop them from changing churches?

You think that you received a response to your prayer [Moroni 10:3-5] when in reality your mind was playing tricks on you. In other words, you wanted it to be true so badly that you made yourself think that you felt the Holy Ghost when you felt nothing. This accusation, reminiscent of Karl Marx’s views that “Religion is, indeed, the self-consciousness and self-esteem of man who has either not yet won through to himself, or has already lost himself again,” (see footnote 1) contains the same flaws as the previous one. If basic psychology suggests that I subconsciously fooled myself into having a testimony, what makes you so sure that you, when and if you prayed, did not subconsciously repress the answer that came?

You were born into the church and stay in the church from a lack of courage and intellectual independence to leave it and go out on your own. To say nothing of the Marxist root of this argument as well, I ask the following: which takes more courage and intellectual independence in high school and college: 1) rebelling against your parents and giving in to peer pressure by drinking and sleeping around or 2) resisting those temptations on a principled basis even when you are made fun of for doing so?

Why would God put vices on the Earth for the sole purpose of tempting us to do bad things? I reject the premise of this question. Everything on this Earth is here for a productive purpose.

Tobacco heals wounds, alcohol is a cleaning agent, marijuana is a painkiller, and sex is for procreation and marital bonding. You name it, I can tell you how it serves a non-vicious purpose. To say that these things’ alternative uses suggest that God condones licentiousness would be like saying people who cut themselves for pleasure are do so because after all, why else would somebody have invented razor blades?

If God wants us to be happy, why would he give us commandments that limit our happiness? I will share the following observations after having served a mission: Of all the regrets people have, I never heard anybody over 40 wish they had drank more alcohol, smoked more cigarettes, slept around more, used fouler language, went to church less, or helped people less. There is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness in the context of this question is synonymous with pleasure, and can be experienced temporarily through debauchery (among other things). Joy is a more permanent, profound state of mind that comes from a deep respect for oneself. I can say as somebody who has witnessed himself make the right decision more often than not, I am very much at peace with myself and I would not trade that for small bouts of pleasure. The things that give us pleasure are often dichotomous with the things that make us happy—eating an entire cheesecake would give me pleasure, but it would make me fat and unhappy. Going to Las Vegas and betting my house on the roulette table would give me pleasure, but losing my house would make me unhappy. Stealing cars would give me pleasure, but spending time in jail would make me unhappy. God wants us to be happy, but is not concerned with our constant experience with pleasure.

I want to experience everything there is to experience in this life. Oh really? Here are some things I’ll be sure to miss: being the victim of a prison gang rape, getting a tattoo on my upper lip, hanging from the ceiling with hooks through my skin, having one of my testacles smashed with a sledgehammer, being arrested, getting divorced, contracting an STD, and having a hangover. I pride myself in having avoided these things—I don’t feel I’m missing out. A wise person learns from his own mistakes; an even wiser person learns from the mistakes of others.

Furthermore, it is by definition impossible to experience everything in this life, because some pairs of things are mutually exclusive. Life is full of these very simple dichotomies: I cannot simultaneously experience life with two working legs and life as a cripple. It’s either one or the other. Admittedly, my adherence to religion prevents me from drinking, pornography and promiscuous sex (among other things) but drinking, pornography and promiscuous sex will exclude you from having a fully healthy liver, avoiding the awkward situations that accompany drinking, being free from STD’s and experiencing as intimate of marital bonds and trust as I will someday enjoy (it is undisputed that those who refrain from premarital sex and pornography have healthier and happier marriages than those who don't). You will also have a harder time being a moral example to your children without looking like a hypocrite. Most importantly, you will not enjoy the company of the Holy Ghost in your life.

In my opinion, those who engage in debauchery ironically miss out on more of life than those who avoid it. My Friday and Saturday nights include a wide variety of uplifting activities and whenever I bring a routine drinker along they are amazed at how much fun they can actually have. In short, the non-religious do not experience more than I do, they have merely chosen a different set of experiences than I have chosen at the expense of other ones. I chose this particular set because I judged it to be better than the other. If you have chosen the other set, that is fine, but don’t fool yourself: you too are missing out.

Being Mormon is weird, and I want to be cool. While this is probably not meant to be a valid argument, it reflects a legitimately formed attitude and should be addressed. While Mormonism is not the most popular religion, from a historical standpoint it is more mainstream than atheism or agnosticism. From the beginning of western culture widespread religiosity has been the norm up until the last fifty years or so, and outside of western societies having faith is still the norm. Western culture has always thrived in part because its people were devoutly religious and therefore moral. As religion has declined, so has every good social indicator. Teen pregnancies, abortions, drug use, drunken driving accidents, STD’s, divorce, single-parent households, depression, imprisonment, bankruptcy and crime have all spiked even as church attendance has withered since the 1960’s. Given that perspective, who is more of a statistical aberration: the person with a religion that’s 90% in line with orthodox Christianity or somebody who practices no religion at all?

Why would God have a church where most of its members are losers? That is an opinion, and not a very common one. In the adult world, the average Mormon is more likely to be wealthy, run a business, be involved in politics, participate in charity work, take care of their children and own a home than the general population, and even than the general religious population. If you’re the kind of person who thinks that 99.99% of the general public are losers, and you don’t know 10,000 Mormons then you won't find that 1 in 10,000 who isn't, you are applying a double standard. Plus Dryw is a member of the Church, and that guy is freakin’ awesome.

Again, I lovingly and non-dogmatically submit these responses so that you may see that my convictions are not a result of family pressures or routine but of analytical thought. I submit them to you, the general public, for your deepest scrutiny and would be more than willing to address any challenges to these points or any further questions.

Footnotes:

1) Marx, Karl. Introduction to A Contribution to the Critique of Hegel’s Philosophy of Right. Deutsch-Französische Jahrbucher. 1844, February.

Go Ahead Bro, Have the Last Slice of Pizza

Sure, dude, you can have the last slice. It’s cool, I’m not very hungry any more anyway, although I do wonder why you’re so hungry, considering how you went to town on my cereal when we were at my house today. To think I almost bought the generic stuff since I’ve been having cash flow problems.

No, it’s not your fault that I’ve been broke lately. Sure, I did pay more for this pizza than you did (even though you ate more of it than me without even counting that slice you’re insisting on eating). That car accident was totally my fault. I mean yeah, it didn’t help that you were being an idiot in the passenger seat by throwing the tennis ball at my head, and I probably would have been able to stop the car pretty easily (which I always do) had the ball not found its way underneath the brake pedal, but whatever. And sure, I was giving you a ride somewhere since you don’t have a car (couldn’t afford the insurance, was it?) so a few extra bucks would have been the least you could have thrown my way in this time of need, especially from the guy you still owe $700 from that time you were super broke. Yeah that’s what friends do. By the way I take that back. Not laughing hysterically when the rich guy got out of the Beamer with a pissed off look on his face while I was trying not to cry for the first time in years would have technically been the least you could have done, but I don’t know why I’m bringing this stuff up. We’ve got each other’s backs, so have at it. No, seriously, take the last slice.

Speaking of having each other’s backs, I’m glad you’ve got mine. In fact, the only time I can think of when you didn’t have my back was the time we were at that club and those two guys were throwing crap at me and before I confronted them I asked you, and I quote, “so you got my back, right? Because I’m not going over there if you don’t,” and you said, quote, “yeah man, you know it,” and I went over there and they broke my nose and fractured my arm. No, I know, that girl you were talking to instead of having my back was hot, at least when you look at her in and out of consciousness. Why aren’t you taking it? I told you I don’t want it.

Yeah, you ended up hooking up with that girl, didn’t you? You’re always getting the chicks. It must be easy to do get chicks when you don’t have a friend who, when you’ve finally gathered up enough courage to talk to a girl you’ve been interested in for a while, interrupts you with such witticisms as “hey, good for you, trying out this heterosexual thing” or “wow! A woman in this county that doesn’t have a restraining order against you. Have you told her you’re a sex offender yet? Don’t forget, it’s the law” or “hey man, the pharmacy just called—apparently your herpes medication prescription got mixed up with the results from your HIV testing.” No, it’s cool. I’m just messing with you, I’m not mad about any of this stuff. Hey remember that time you hooked up with my sister? I know, it was a one-time thing, even if you did tell her at the time that it was more. She stopped texting you now right? Good. Teenagers!

I notice you didn’t eat the crust. Are you full now? I probably would have eaten the whole slice, but then again I’m the one who paid for most of it. Did you need a ride home? Let’s go . . .

Why Accountants are Sexy

For the last three years of my life I have been confronted by a negative stereotype that accountants are bland and docile.

This misconception is most damaging with the ladies. The general consensus is that we are nerds, penned up in the basement, content to crunch numbers all day long without seeing the light of day. Some women, I understand, would not consider dating one because we are not “bad” enough. These ignoramuses would be interested to know that it is virtually impossible to commit a white-collar crime without the aid of an accountant, and most perpetrators are accountants of some sort. In fact, financial statement fraud, by definition, requires the aid of a Certified Public Accountant. White collar crime is the only conceivable way to smoothly steal millions of dollars.

Which man would I think most thrill-junky women prefer: the motorcycle-riding white trash that knocks off liquor stores for $200 a pop or the rogue accountant who robs several million dollars from shareholders? I guess it depends: would they rather buy four kegs and throw a party after the heist or sail around the world on a brand new yacht?

And who catches these crooks? Forensic accountants! They have to carry guns because it can be dangerous. Oh so dangerous.

Have you ever heard the phrase “I’d better run this by my accountant?” Everybody in the business world has said it at some point. They are afraid to do anything without the accountant’s nod. That’s because we’ve got power.

So ladies, whether you’re into criminals or cops, money or power I recommend you wear that swoop-neck blouse, miniskirt and dark lipstick the next time your company is being audited. Be careful, though, because it’s actually illegal to have a romantic relationship with an auditor. That makes us even sexier, doesn't it? You see, by being simultaneously bad and rich, accountants present the intelligent woman with a rare opportunity to satisfy her primal but otherwise mutually exclusive desires for both danger and money.